Return to Oz: Home is Where the Heart Is on the Season Finale of "Lost"

Wow. I don't even know where to begin.

I'm talking of course about last night's amazing season finale to Lost ("There's No Place Like Home, Parts Two & Three"), which fulfilled the promise of last season's ender by showing just how the Oceanic Six managed to escape the island (along with Desmond and Frank Lapidus) and gave us an oh-no-he-didn't moment when Ben manages to move the island in time and space... before being exiled from the place he's sworn to protect for the rest of his life.

Sawyer. Before we get into the crux of the episode, I do feel extremely vindicated that my theory about what would happen to Sawyer played out EXACTLY as I had predicted two weeks ago. When faced with the helicopter losing fuel and none of them making it off the island, Sawyer whispers in Kate's ear (a promise about, oh, tracking down his daughter on the mainland), kisses her passionately, and then sacrifices his freedom for his fellow castaways by jumping out of the helicopter into the ocean below, ensuring (hopefully) that the others will make it to the freighter and escape. It was a beautiful manifestation of just how far Sawyer has grown as a character and his selflessness contrasts sharply with the man we met four seasons ago: a feral, selfish loner who thought only of himself. Can this really be the same guy who lied about hoarding Shannon's asthma medication all those years ago? Yep.

The Coffin. Because it's on everyone's minds, we'll talk about the coffin first. I wasn't quite right about my predictions about who was inside and was utterly stunned to see John Locke lying in the coffin as the mysterious Jeremy Bentham, but it's only fitting as English philosopher Bentham was a follower of John Locke's namesake and a proponent for natural rights (he also had his body preserved after his death in a glass case, so there you go) that Locke would choose this name as his alter ego. It also makes sense as Bentham reached out to each of the Oceanic Six (plus Walt, who most of them had completely forgotten about), urging them to return to the island and saying that "bad things" happened after they left. After all, it was Locke who told Jack that he had to stay on the island and not leave in the first place. (Love that Locke is now the de facto leader of the Others.) As for those bad things, I think they are definitely connected to the island being moved in time and space and I believe we'll soon discover that those who stayed behind on the island have gotten themselves stuck in a rather painful time loop from which they cannot escape.

As for why the castaways referred to Locke by his alias, they constructed a massive cover story about the crash, so it makes sense why they wouldn't use his real name when it's clear they must stick to their story. It's also clear that Locke--like Ben before him--clearly has the ability to leave the island at will, possibly through the same as-yet unseen method that Ben used (remember those passports and foreign currencies?) and he too had an alias that he used on the mainland. There was definite bad blood between Locke and the other castaways, so it makes sense why they wouldn't attend the funeral (and Hurley, who might have gone, was in Santa Rosa at the time); plus after his murder of Naomi, he severed any emotional bonds that may have existed between him and the Oceanic Six.

Finally, while the newspaper article claimed that Bentham killed himself in New York, none of the Oceanic Six believe this story for a second. Sayid knows that it was no suicide but a calculated murder, orchestrated by Widmore's men as part of the ongoing war between him and Ben. But lest you think that Terry O'Quinn will be off of the series, fret not: he'll obviously appear in flashbacks as we learn about all of the "bad things" that went down on the island after Jack and the others escaped... and it's not the first time that a corpse has been taken to the island, only to mysteriously get up and take a walkabout. (Ahem, Christian.)

Ben. I was utterly stunned by the revelation that whoever moves the island cannot ever return there again. It does explain Ben's ongoing crusade against Widmore and his efforts to safeguard the island, even though he's in exile. Fantastic payoffs with the Halliwax parka, the Orchid Station orientation film (though why was it rewinding? a clue perhaps to the island's location in the timestream?), and that Frozen Donkey Wheel. Plus, we learned why Ben's arm was injured in "The Shape of Things to Come" and why he was dressed for cold weather, but turned up in the desert, propelled forward in time to the year 2005. I loved that he blew a hole in the Vault by filling it with metallic items in order to gain access to the ancient island-shifting apparatus below. That wheel has obviously been there for thousands of years and the runes seem clearly connected to the four-toed statue that was glimpsed forever ago. Still, the biggest theme of the episode is about the nature of sacrifice: of what we give up for the greater good. Ben, Michael, Sawyer, and Locke all seem to realize this; Jack does not and that is his downfall.

The Orchid. This Dharma station was clearly set up to investigate space-time issues and the Vault was located next to a pocket of exotic matter (obviously the source used to shift the island through time and space). The bunny experiment proves that the Vault actually does work: it can shift organic objects through space-time, resulting in a second Bunny #15 appearing a few minutes in the future (as seen in the outtakes of the Orchid Station orientation film). Loved that Locke asked Ben if this was the "magic box" and how Ben sneered at Locke's gullibility on the subject. Far be it for Ben to tell Locke that there is no such "magic box" on the island. Ben's shift of the island's location in space-time produces a similar noise and electromagnetic discharge as the Swan's failsafe mechanism, turning the sky white and filling the air with an eerie hum; the result is clearly related to the Casimir effect and creates something akin to a wormhole through which the island and its surroundings (including the people aboard the Zodiac raft, the water, and the Hydra island) is shifted. Awesome!

Michael. I definitely think Michael is sadly deader than a doorknob, especially since Christian appeared right before the C4 detonated and told him that he "can go now." To me, Christian's message was a distinct indication that the island has released Michael from his servitude; it had saved him from death dozens of time to ensure that he would be standing right there, keeping the freighter from exploding. Without him, everyone would have been killed aboard the Kahana; his presence and forethought with the liquid nitrogen ensured that the Oceanic Six managed to escape, along with Desmond and Lapidus. The island has a purpose for everyone and once you've outlived your usefulness, it's time to go. Charlie had to die in order for Penny to find them and so did Michael, who redeemed himself for the murder of Libby and Ana-Lucia by saving Jack and the others.

Jin and Sun. As for Jin, I don't think he's dead. I don't know why other than a voice in the back of my head saying that he's still alive, somehow and managed to survive the blast. He hasn't fulfilled his purpose in the grand scheme of things yet, though that doesn't stop Sun from thinking that he's dead and mourning his passing (hence the breakdown at his grave). It was absolutely heartbreaking to see Sun screaming for Jin and Lapidus unable to turn the helicopter around to save him. Michael was meant to send Jin upstairs but Jin stayed behind in order to help by trying to defuse the bomb... and never even got to say goodbye to his wife.

However, like Penny and Desmond before them, I definitely think that Sun will attempt to find the island. While Penny never gave up hope that Desmond was alive, Sun's purpose in finding the island (and how amazing was her scene in London with Widmore?) is far more nefarious. She blames Jack for Jin's death and has clearly chosen her side in the war between Widmore and Ben. We know that Sun is a consummate and skilled liar but I believed her when she confronted Widmore and told him that they shared mutual interests. (I loved her line about how "they are not the only ones who left the island," a clear allusion to both Ben and perhaps Desmond.) I think she's out for vengeance and will stop at nothing to find the island once more. Sun as a villainess intrigues me and I don't see how the other members of the Oceanic Six will be able to persuade her to join their cause. It's going to be quite a journey for her character and one that I am very eager to see.

The Intruder. I got goosebumps when Kate is awoken in the middle of the night by the sound of an intruder and a seriously creepy phone call. Grabbing a gun (I'm surprised she doesn't sleep with one in the nightstand drawer), she heads into Aaron's room where she sees... Claire watching over Aaron. Claire warns her not to take Aaron back to the island and Kate wakes up in bed. I'm a little confused by whether it was in fact Claire (or a manifestation/ghost) or something else entirely. The voice on the phone tells Kate, "The island needs you. You have to go back before it's too late," but Claire's message seems to invalidate this, stating that Kate can't bring Aaron back with her... though Ben tells Jack that they all need to return to the island (even the dead Locke). I'm not sure what to believe, but ghosts seems to be popping up left and right on the mainland, from Claire (if she is in fact dead) and Christian to Charlie and Mr. Eko. What do the ghosts want (seemingly for them to go back) and why does their meaning seem garbled?

Penny. Loved that it was Penelope Widmore who saves them when it was her father who put them in their current predicament in the first place and it was only fitting that her vessel was called the Searcher. How absolutely heartwarming was her reunion with Desmond? It was a scene that I wondered would ever play out on the series (least of all with two seasons to go!) and erased by worry about Frank and Desmond being found with the Oceanic Six. Good to see the listening station's Henrik aboard the Seacher as well. Will Pen and Des have to remain in the shadows, hiding from both Widmore and Ben? And how will they be drawn back into the story again, especially with Ben on a mission to kill Penelope as payback for Widmore's mercenary Keamy slaughtering Alex?

Walt. Man, that kid has gotten old. Four seasons may have gone by on the series but Malcolm David Kelley looks like he got about ten years older and grew about three feet taller. I loved the heartbreaking way that he asked Hurley why none of them ever tracked him down once they returned to the mainland and the sad way that Hurley just shrugged. I've always had a bit of a problem that Walt was just sort of out there, given the survivor's cover story, as he clearly was aboard Oceanic Flight 815 and would have appeared on the passenger manifest. Sure, his grandmother knew to keep silent about what he had told her about the island, but Walt seems like a weak link in the cover story and one that could easily be exploited by Matthew Abbadon, Widmore, and the conspiracy. If it's necessary for all of them return to the island, won't the same hold true for Walt as well? And if that's really Walt, then who appeared to Locke on the island in "Through the Looking Glass"? Curious.

Charlotte. I was blown away when Miles revealed that he knew that Charlotte had been been to the island before and still hadn't found where she had been born. It's a stunning revelation that will obviously play a huge role in Season Five as we learn more about the explorers' backstories. If Charlotte was actually born on the island, how did she manage to end up on the mainland? We are told who her parents are and that she has two sisters, so is she adopted? Did her entire family leave the island? And if so, have we seen her in the past? My money is that she's actually little Annie, Ben's ginger-haired friend from the Dharma days. We never saw Annie die and haven't ever seen her again (plus time moves differently on the island than on the mainland), so it's entirely possible that she could be little Annie all grown up. Hmmm. There's definitely more to our cultural anthropologist than meets the eye...

Juliet. Was it just me or did Juliet seem not too surprised that she wasn't getting off the island in the end? Maybe it's the fact that she's gotten thisclose to escaping several times in the past and yet something has managed, each time, to derail her plans at the eleventh hour. Still, the sad look in her eyes spoke voulmes, as she swigged from a Dharma bottle of rum as she watched the smoky wreckage of the Kahana sink into the ocean and offers a wry smile as Sawyer walks up out of the ocean. Hmmm. Am I seeing some potential sparks here between them? Wouldn't that be just fitting if the two people jilted by Jack and Kate end up together in the end?

Best line of the evening: "So?" - Ben to Locke, after being told that he's just ensured the deaths of every man and woman aboard the Kahana by brutally stabbing Keamy.

Ultimately, I thought this was an astonishingly powerful way to end the season and will make the wait until the series returns next winter unbearable. Sure, there's the Octagon Global Recruiting experience to look forward to this summer (and likely something major will be going down at this year's Comic-Con as a result), but I want to get Lost now and find out just what happened to the survivors who didn't get off the island. I'm already anxious with anticipation for Season Five.

What's On Tonight

8 pm: Ghost Whisperer (CBS); Most Outrageous Moments/Most Outrageous Moments (NBC;); Friday Night SmackDown! (CW; 8-10 pm); National Spelling Bee (ABC; 8-10 pm); Little Black Book (FOX; 8-10 pm)

9 pm: NUMB3RS (CBS); Dateline (NBC; 9-11 pm)

10 pm: NUMB3RS (CBS); 20/20 (ABC)

What I'll Be Watching

8 pm: Sarah Jane Adventures on Sci Fi.

On tonight's repeat episode of the Doctor Who spin-off ("The Lost Boy"), a missing boy turns out to be a genetic match for Luke, whom Sarah Jane sends to live with the boy's family while she probes his disappearance. Afterwards, it's the first season finale of Sarah Jane Adventures ("The Lost Boy, Part Two"), in which a Slitheen threat is uncovered as Sarah and Maria investigate Luke's new parents, who have a use for the archetype himself in their quest to destroy the Earth.

9 pm: Doctor Who on Sci Fi.

Season Four of Doctor Who continues tonight with "The Poison Sky," as the Doctor's old enemies the Sontarans attempt to transform Earth's atmosphere in order to suit their needs by unleashing a flood of poisonous gas ingenuously concealed inside ATMOS car emissions regulators/GPS devices.

10 pm: Battlestar Galactica on Sci Fi.

On tonight's episode ("Sine Qua Non"), a Cylon base star with President Laura Roslin and Gaius Baltar aboard disappears, leaving the Colonial fleet in chaos, as a power struggle for control of the leadership manifests itself.

Who's In the Coffin And Other Thoughts About Tonight's Season Finale of "Lost"

While Lost has been positively overflowing with mysteries since Day One, when the survivors of Oceanic Flight 815 first arrived on that cursed island, one question has seized upon the imagination of the audience and not let go: just who is in that coffin?

It's a question that I've asked myself time and time again when watching the fourth season of Lost, which concludes tonight with a two-hour season ender that will likely once again rewrite the rules of the serialized drama and leave those of us obsessed with the series reeling from its implications for the next seven months. (I offered up a theory about one element of tonight's episode involving the notion of sacrifice and, er, fuel loss during my post about Part One of "There's No Place Like Home" two weeks ago. Very curious to see if I am right.)

So who do I think is in the coffin? Let's take a look at the likely--and unlikely--possibilities.

Benjamin Linus. We now know that Ben managed to get off the island, despite not being on the rescue plane that made it back to the mainland, so it's entirely possible that his war with Charles Widmore has reached a bitter and deadly end. Jack did say that he's neither family nor friend of the deceased (which fits the description of his relationship with Ben perfectly) and would also explain why none of the other Oceanic Six attend the funeral; Kate even says that there was no way she would have attended. Still, it feels a bit odd to have Ben end up in the coffin like that and not be able to use him in the future timeline on Lost, but if anyone could have faked their death and gotten away with it, it's the slippery Benjamin Linus. Still, I'm not convinced.

Michael Dawson. People have long suspected that the man in the coffin is none other than Michael himself but I think it's too much of a red herring that the funeral home is in a predominantly African-American neighborhood. Besides, Michael was much more connected to New York than Los Angeles and, at the very least, his mother and Walt would have turned up to the funeral, even if they are currently estranged. No, it's definitely not Michael.

Charles Widmore. The least likely suspect in my book. No way would his funeral go unnoticed and unobserved, with only a brief obit in the newspaper to mark his passing. Whoever is in that coffin is someone much further down the totem pole than the great and powerful Widmore. Let's consider him off-limits for now.

Matthew Abbadon. Again, the perception of the African-American neighborhood seem to be playing a role here and we haven't gotten a real clear sense of his involvement in the past and future timelines on the series yet. It's clear that Abbadon knows much more than he claims: he sends Locke on his walkabout in Australia, assembles the team of scientists for the mission under Widmore's instructions, visits Hurley in the mental hospital, and seems to be the series' go-to creepy man. Still, I don't think it would be quite fitting for him to end up in the coffin
as we haven't yet seen him interact with all of the other Oceanic Six members.

Richard Alpert. The mysterious Other who seems to have cropped up in several castaway's pasts and who appears not to age. But does that mean that he can't die? Again, as the de facto leader of the Others and the man responsible for giving Ben the order to exterminate every member of the Dharma Initiative, he seems to play an enormous behind-the-scenes role in the past, present, and future of the island and appears--like Ben years later--to be able to move from the island to the mainland relatively easily. He wouldn't be mourned by anyone, least of all anyone connected with Dharma and may have actually influenced events that led to the crash of Oceanic Flight 815 and the castaways' current situation. Still, it feels a bit odd as we haven't gotten any real concrete information about Alpert's past yet.

My two final guesses:

Martin Keamy. I'm leaning somewhat heavily towards Keamy as the possible coffin inhabitant. He's had some pretty serious scrapes with the castaways, nearly killed them all during his campaign on the island to capture Ben, and killed a number of Oceanic survivors during his incursion against New Otherton. There's some bad blood between him and Jack and no love lost between him and the others. I doubt that his real name is Martin Keamy and a sociopathic mercenary like him certainly would have no mourners at his funeral. Given his relatively new status on the series, is it presumptuous to think that he would end up escaping the island, surviving in secret for several years, and then dying mysteriously and ending up unmourned and alone? Hmmm, possibly. But would his death have as much emotional resonance as say...

Sayid Jarrah. The death of one of the Oceanic Six would have been a major media storm, but not if the person in question died under a different name. I believe that Sayid had adopted an assumed identity and could have died while in the employ of Benjamin Linus. We know that after the murder of Nadia, Sayid lost all direction and quickly fell under the lure of vengeance, beginning a new life as an assassin, targeting members of the opposition in Ben's ongoing war with Widmore. Working for Ben is a decision that likely wouldn't have made him very popular with members of the Oceanic Six and I can seem them renouncing him once and for all after learning of his new employment situation. Still, I can see Jack being curious enough to go to the funeral (and still acknowledging why Kate wouldn't) to see if anyone else would turn up, if he knew Sayid's new identity. As for Ben, I could see why he wouldn't come out into the open to attend the funeral of his new ally, not with Widmore and the others gunning for him. Would Carlton and Damon really kill off Sayid in the "present" day? Abso-bloody-lutely, especially as it would be a great twist to have one of them survive everything the island threw at them, escape, and then still wind up dead back on the mainland. Cruel twists of irony are one of Lost's stock in trade.

But I am very curious to know who you think is in that coffin at the funeral. Is it one of the above or someone else altogether? While we'll likely find out tonight once and for all, until then let's open up the floor for debate: who is the most likely occupant and who is the least likely? Discuss.

High Steaks (and Frozen Scallops) for Final Five Contestants on "Top Chef"

I was literally on the edge of my couch last night, terrified that somehow one of my favorite three contestants wouldn't make it into the final four. After all, there was no way that there would be some divine intervention, some culinary equivalent of a deus ex machina, and the much loathed Spike and Lisa would both somehow get cut from the competition. A boy can dream, can't he?

Last night's episode of Top Chef ("High Steaks") definitely raised the bar for Challenges this season, creating a pressure-cooker environment where the five remaining chefs had to butcher some lovely Tomahawk steaks and cook them for guest judge Rick Tramonto and then work on the line in his new restaurant, creating and serving an appetizer and an entree to a fully booked restaurant and the judges, who this week included previous winners Harold, Ilan, and Hung.

It was pretty hilarious to see those three former winners back on the series, especially as I think any of the current crop of contestants could have cooked circles around Ilan, who completely rubbed me the wrong way by the end of his tenure on the series (the head-shaving incident didn't do anything to alleviate those feelings either). Personally, I would have rather had Dale in the mix in this episode and I think he would have impressed these guys much more than Lisa or Spike.

In any event, Spike drawing on the spiritual guidance of his grandfather, a butcher, was able to win the Quickfire Challenge (which, I'm sorry, should have also been about how the steak actually tasted; after all, this is a cooking competition) and gained a valuable advantage in the Elimination Challenge: he'd be able to choose proteins for his starter and main courses and the other judges couldn't then select the same ones for their own individual dishes. Huh, it's like deja vu all over again. I knew as soon as Spike went for those frozen scallops that it was going to come back to haunt him later; I almost think they were planted in the walk-in just to see if any of the chefs would go for them. I certainly wouldn't ever use frozen scallops in a dish and Spike had to deal with the sub-par quality of the scallops as well as the problems with searing a substance that has thawed and now has far too much moisture in it to get a crust in the pan. (To quote Nelson: "Ha ha!")

But on to the dishes themselves. Let's talk about Antonia first; I was really hoping that she, Richard, and Stephanie would make it into the final four as they are hands-down my favorite chefs of the bunch. (Despite his penchant for tantrums, I also wish Dale had made the cut as well.) For her starter, Antonia offered a warm mushroom and artichoke salad with poached egg and bacon vinaigrette; unfortunately, while the egg was perfectly poached to order (no mean feat in itself), it was a soggy mess of a dish. Eek. However, she completely redeemed herself with her steakhouse-appropriate creation: a bone-in ribeye with roasted fennel and cipollini onions and a caramelized shallot and potato gratin, that looked sinfully delicious and was the judges' clear favorite dish of the entrees.

I thought that Richard did an amazing job at reinventing a classic appetizer with a modern flair, transforming the classic Italian dish of vitello tonnato into "Vitello Tramonto," a thinly sliced hamachi sashimi with crispy sweetbreads, radish, avocado, and yuzu. Elegant, imaginative, and the judges' clear favorite starter. It represented everything about Richard that works: his vision, creativity, and experience were all there right on the plate. I quite liked the idea of Richard's main course, even if Padma felt that it didn't add up to the sum of the strong parts. Richard offered a prime beef filet with potato puree, turnips and red wine sauce with pickled Brussels sprouts. I thought it sounded divine and would have been what I would have ordered, especially with the pickled sprouts, which I've never seen before.

Stephanie once again turned out some delicious and inventive fare that I knew would earn her a well-deserved spot in the final four. Her appetizer--veal sweetbreads with haricots verts and a sweet & sour sauce of golden raisins and pine nuts--was luscious and crisp at the same time; points off for not toasting the pine nuts (time issues, perhaps?) but a truly sensational dish that aptly showed off her considerable strengths as a chef. For her main course, there was beef tenderloin with salsify puree (yum!), wild mushrooms and apple sauce, a well-constructed, conceptualized, and executed dish all around. If anyone was safe in this round, it was Stephanie.

Then there was Spike and those stupid frozen scallops (I still cannot believe that he actually insulted Tramonto about the fact that they were even in the walk-in in the first place), which he served pan-seared on a bed of roasted hearts of palm and oyster mushrooms. The judges complained that the scallops were just plain awful and the hearts of palm seemed reconstituted somehow. Ouch. For his main, there was that tomahawk chop again, here served with sweet potato puree (too sweet) and blanched Brussels sprouts (too boring).

I was a little confused by Lisa's starter: a dish of grilled & chilled shrimp and confit lemon zest salad with baby tomatoes and crostini; I like the judges took exception to the fact that she chilled the shrimp after grilling it, a big mistake as it created a congealed effect with the butter of the sauce, making it rather unappetizing though the confit lemon salad was a definite hit. For her main course, she took more than a few risks, plating a New York Strip Steak with a spicy apple caramel sauce, haricots verts, Granny Smith Apple, and peanut butter mashed potatoes. While guest judge Rick Tramonto seemed quite taken with the peanut butter mash, I found mere thought of the flavor combination literally made me feel quite sick to my stomach. (Even thinking about it now makes me feel a little queasy.) Would Tramanto's interest be enough to keep her in the race? Hmmm.

I was jumping up and down with glee that Richard, Stephanie, and Antonia all made it to the final four; I'm thrilled that these three will be facing off in Puerto Rico and only wish that their quartet could have included Dale rather than Spike or Lisa. Ultimately, I had a feeling that it would be Spike who would be sent home, if only for his inane outburst at Chef Tramonto and his selection of the frozen scallops when he could have chosen ANYTHING in the walk-in first and still went for scallops that weren't fresh. That was absolutely inexcusable in my book.

Sure enough, the judges decided that Lisa would be getting through to the final four (ick) and Spike would be going home. I'm not sure who I would have rather had advance to the next round as I really don't care for either of them and don't think they should still be there. Lisa was been at the bottom no less than five times this season and Spike has stood before the judges SEVEN times so far. Those are staggering figures when you consider that they somehow made it this far after landing so far down for their food in previous elimination challenges.

What do you think? Would you have rather see Spike take a spot next to Stephanie, Antonia, and Richard? Or were you happy it was Lisa who was moving on to the finals? Discuss.

Next week on Top Chef ("Puerto Rico"), the final four chefs travel to Puerto Rico to compete for the last three spots in the competition, Lisa shows off her new hairstyle, Richard gets saw-happy, and one of these chefs will have to pack their knives and fly home.

What's On Tonight

8 pm: The Big Bang Theory/How I Met Your Mother (CBS); The Office/Last Comic Standing (NBC; 8:30-11 pm); Smallville (CW); Lost (ABC); So You Think You Dance (FOX; 8-10 pm)

9 pm: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS); Supernatural (CW); Lost (ABC; 9-11 pm)

10 pm: Without a Trace (CBS)

What I'll Be Watching

8 pm: Lost.

Ramp up for the two-hour season finale with this repeat ("There's No Place Like Home"), in which the Oceanic Six return to the US and the showdown between the castaways and the freighter's military men reaches a fever pitch.

9-11 pm: Lost.

Unplug the phone, turn off your computer and settle in for the two-hour fourth season finale of Lost ("There's No Place Like Home, Parts 2 & 3"), the Oceanic Six find themselves closer than ever to rescue, Ben launches his masterplan to save the island, Keamy's men face off with the survivors, and Sawyer and Kate possibly share their last kiss.

Where Pilots Go to Die: FOX's "Spaced"

Ah, schadenfreude. There is something innately satisfying about watching a terrible pilot project go down the tubes when it was doomed from the very start. And there were few more misguided and foolhardy attempts this past pilot season than that of the US adaptation of UK cult series Spaced.

Created by Simon Pegg, Jessica Hynes (née Stevenson), and Edgar Wright, the original Spaced was a brilliant and hyperkinetic pastiche: at once a tongue-in-cheek satire of sitcoms, an inversion of social stereotypes, and a collection of astounding sight gags, blink-and-you'll-miss-'em pop culture references, and endearingly quirky characters. It was most definitely a product of its time as well, fused into the fabric of 1990s Gen-X slackers and offering a commentary on both American and British cultural sensibilities of the time.

In a word, it was brilliant.

Cut to 2008, following a rough development year, in which the stars/creators of Spaced spoke out against the US version of the series after they weren't consulted about the remake and in some cases (Hynes) weren't even mentioned in any press releases about the series. I managed to get my hands on the completed pilot for the American update of Spaced and I was curious to see if it warranted the ire of Pegg and Co.

And that's where schadenfreude comes in. To call Spaced a pale imitation of the original is actually quite insulting to pale imitations everywhere. No, this US remake--written by Adam Barr (Will & Grace) and directed by Charles Stone (Lincoln Heights)--is quite possibly one of the worst things I've ever seen and that's saying quite a lot.

Quick recap on the action: two strangers, both post-breakup with significant others, meet at a coffee shop as they look for a new place to live when they stumble onto a dream apartment. The only catch is that it's only being offered to a married couple, so they pose as newlyweds in order to land the place. It's a deceptive simple premise that, in the original anyway, never falls into Three's Company-type sitcom gags and instead uses it as a springboard to explore the relatonship between Tim (Pegg) and Daisy (Hynes) and their friendships, hopes, dreams, and bizarro fantasies.

It was with a great deal of trepidation that I sat down to watch Spaced's busted pilot over the weekend... and was amazed by how wrong the production team had gotten every element of the series, even from the script stage. While the original Spaced had an effortlessly cool vibe, every line of dialogue in this awful pilot reeks of overwriting and reaching to try to approximate something trendy and cool... only fall completely flat. Adding in cutaway scenes in which San Francisco's Transamerica rotates for no real reason or an invisible force appears next to a trolley car do not a smart quirky comedy make. Instead, these remain head-scratching examples of just how wrong the producers (which include Wonderland Sound & Vision's McG) got it and perhaps how little they understood the underlying material in the first place.

Onto the actors then. Never have two actors been more miscast as Josh Lawson (Chandon Pictures) and Sara Rue (Less Than Perfect) than they have been here. As Ben, Lawson is completely unbelievable as a sad sack wannabe comic book artist/slacker... who clearly has spent more time at the gym than at a drafting board. And unfortunately, he doesn't become more believable when he dons trendily nerdy glasses that only make him look slightly more like Matthew Perry in The Ron Clark Story. As for Rue, her Apryl isn't at all sympathetic and merely irritates every time she's on screen; the same goes for Ben's sidekick Bill (Will Sasso) who lacks all of the nuance of the original's Nick Frost. His sole characteristic seems to be that he enjoys (A) playing video games, (B) re-enacting the bullet scene from (ahem) The Matrix, and (C) pretending to shoot people with a gun made out of his hand. Yes, this is real character development time, people.

Supporting characters get just as much short shrift and aren't nearly as imaginative or credible as their counterparts across the pond. Apryl's best friend, a sticky-fingered wannabe thief named Vivienne (Yara Martinez) lacks any defining characteristics whatsoever and remains, at the end of the pilot, still a complete and utter cipher. Tortured artist/downstairs neighbor Christian (Frederico Dordei) is completely predictable in his overwrought "quirkiness." Hell, even landlady Marsha is a wet blanket in this without any of the humor or flair of Julia Deakin's brilliant original.

I feel incredibly happy that this project will never make it to air and never sully the good name of Spaced. Fans of the original UK series have waited for years for a Region 1 DVD release of the series (which will finally be released on July 23rd) and would have been aghast at what American producers did to their beloved series.

Can some international formats transition nicely onto American screens? Sure, just look at NBC's The Office but for every one that does work there are likely ten or so that are mindblowingly awful adaptations of successful series. Spaced distinctly falls into the latter camp and I'm happy to see it buried in some fallout bunker six miles beneath the Earth where it can't infect anyone with its shoddy and unfunny perspective on urban living arrangements. It's as saccharine and artificial as the cream puffs in the painfully dumb "gunfight" that comprises the pilot's conclusion.

What's On Tonight

8 pm: Price is Right Million Dollar Spectacular (CBS); Farmer Wants a Wife (CW); Wife Swap (ABC); So You Think You Can Dance (FOX; 8-10 pm)

9 pm: Criminal Minds (CBS); Dateline (NBC); Farmer Wants a Wife (CW); Supernanny (ABC)

10 pm: CSI: New York (CBS); Dateline (NBC); Men in Trees (ABC)

What I'll Be Watching

9 pm: MI-5 on BBC America.

If you missed MI-5 (aka Spooks) when it aired on A&E a few years back, you can catch it tonight on BBC America. On tonight's installment ("The Special, Part Two"), Adam rescues Tash (Martine McCutcheon) from the terrorists and realizes he must unmask the mole within MI-5.

10 pm: Top Chef on Bravo.

On tonight's episode ("High Steaks"), the chefs have to clean and butcher a slab of meat during a Quickfire Challenge and then work on the line in a restaurant, creating a series of dishes that exceed chef Tom Colicchio's expectations, and Rick Tramonto of Osteria Di Tramonto, Gale's Coffee Bar, Tramonto's Steak & Seafood, and RT Lounge turns up as a guest judge.

Weekend Wrap-Up: HBO's "Recount," Peacock's New Sched Ruffles My Feathers

I always hate it when a three-day weekend comes to an end. I spent mine catching up on some much needed R&R, putting the finishing touches on some last minute wedding plans, and watching some truly horrific pilots. (Seriously, the pilot for the US adaptation of Spaced may very well go down as one of the worst things I've ever screened, but more on that tomorrow.)

Due to some overall insanity here the past two weeks or so, I hadn't gotten around to watching the screener that HBO had sent over for their two-hour telepic Recount, written by former Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Gilmore Girls co-star Danny Strong, and finally sat down this weekend to take a look.

I'm curious to know how many of you tuned in to this intelligent and haunting look at the 2000 US presidential elections; the performances--from as varied a lot as Kevin Spacey, Laura Dern, Bob Balaban, Ed Begley Jr., Derek Cecil (a.k.a. That Guy from Push, Nevada and Pasadena), Denis Leary, Mitch Pileggi, and Tom Wilkinson (not to mention a cast of hundreds)--were absolutely riveting.

Dern's performance as Katherine Harris in particular will go down in history as one of the most astute portrayals of a real-life individual, fright mask and all, her face twisted into a joker's smile. Likewise, Spacey and Wilkinson nicely tone in down in adversarial roles as former Gore chief of staff Ron Klain and former secretary of state James Baker; both could have become scene-chewing caricatures, but both men play their marks as three-dimensional human beings each innately believing what they are doing is the best thing for the country.

Eight years after the millennial elections that saw W. face off with Gore over the fate of Florida (with the presidency hanging in the balance), it's astonishing to see just how mad those dark days were and Strong's script (aided by Jay Roach's effortlessly powerful direction) brings everything into shocking crystal clarity: the protests, law suits, back room maneuvering, and, yes, the recounts.

It's these recounts that comprise the largest section of Recount's plot but it is a backdrop for one of the most politically ambitious films--on the small screen or otherwise--in recent years and one that all of us, Democrat or Republican, should watch during HBO's next zillion screenings.

It's especially sad to me that Recount, produced by the great Sydney Pollack, made it to air on the same weekend that the director passed away here in LA after a battle with cancer. Pollack, who won an Oscar for directing Out of Africa, was originally meant to direct the HBO telefilm but had to drop out last year due to medical problems; Jay Roach later came on board to direct Recount. Pollack's passing will undoubtedly be on many people's minds today here in Hollywood and he'll be missed.

***

On a lighter note, NBC has released a revised version of its fall schedule, which shifts Kath & Kim from Tuesday nights to the Thursday night comedy block, a decision which makes a hell of a lot more sense than having it wedged between a 90-minute edition of The Biggest Loser and Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

Wouldn't you at least try to launch a new comedy--albeit one with just a six-episode commitment at the moment from the network--on a night with other comedies? Or am I just absolutely crazy?

Speaking of crazy, I was none too pleased to see that, while most of NBC's scripted series from Chuck and Heroes to The Office and newbies like My Own Worst Enemy will launch throughout September, 30 Rock won't return with new episodes until the end of October.

Yep, you read that correctly: the Tina Fey-created comedy (a Televisionary obsession) won't kick off its third season until October 30th.

In a word: Blurg.

What's On Tonight

8 pm: NCIS (CBS; 8); Most Outrageous Moments/Most Outrageous Moments (NBC); Beauty & the Geek (CW); According to Jim/According to Jim (ABC); Moment of Truth (FOX)

9 pm: The Unit (CBS); Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC); Reaper (CW); Samantha Who?/Samantha Who? (ABC); Hell's Kitchen (FOX)

10 pm: 48 Hours: Polygamy: A World Apart (CBS); Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC); Boston Legal (ABC)

What I'll Be Watching

8-10 pm: Britcoms on BBC America.

I don't know about you but by Tuesday night, I'm usually in need of some comedy in my life. Why not stick around on Tuesday nights for BBC America's new comedy lineup, consisting of classic episodes of Coupling, new comedy Not Going Out, and Absolutely Fabulous? You'll thank me in the morning.

Link Tank: TV Blog Coalition Roundup for May 24-26

Televisionary is proud to be a member of the TV Blog Coalition. At the end of each week, we'll feature a roundup of content from our sister sites for your delectation.

This week, I put on my Pilot Inspektor cap and reviewed the pilot episodes for several new series, including FOX's new J.J. Abrams drama Fringe ("spellbinding television"), ABC's misguided US adaptation of UK series Life on Mars, and HBO's lackluster True Blood.

I also shared my sadness that Russell T. Davies would be leaving Doctor Who (and my excitement that he'd be replaced at the helm by Steven Moffat), my excitement that Arrested Development's Judy Greer had been cast in the US adaptation of Suburban Shootout for HBO, my confusion over sourpuss Lisa still being on Top Chef, and my complete and utter boredom over the second season finale of Ugly Betty.

Elsewhere in the sophisticated TV-obsessed section of the blogosphere, members of the TV Blog Coalition were discussing the following items...

• Between Girlfriends, Jericho, Aliens in America and many others, there are plenty of newly canceled shows to mourn. Buzz wants to know: Which one bums you out the most? (BuzzSugar)
• This week, Eric wondered how much you would pay to watch your favorite TV show. (Daemon's TV)
• Mikey's infatuation with the fourth season of Desperate Housewives lasted until the final two minutes, which he worries might force the series back into a creative coma. (Mikey Likes TV)
• Marcia picked the five new shows that you absolutely, positively can afford to miss. (Pop Vultures)
• Examining what makes her stick with Heroes despite it's let-down of a second season but drop Brothers & Sisters over a disappointing storyline, Jody wonders what kind of fan you are: fickle or faithful? (RTVW Online)
• Scooter takes a look back to see which of CBS's comedies had a better year, How I Met Your Mother or The Big Bang Theory, hint: it was the one without Britany Spears. (Scooter McGavin's 9th Green)
• Vance thought Grey's Anatomy's season finale was rock solid! ABC is doing pretty well with the 2 hour finales so far, no? Desperate Housewives was great, can't wait for Lost now! (Tapeworthy)
• Lost's flash-forward, Desperate Housewives' leap in time, Battlestar Galactica's skip to New Caprica -- it seems like more and more shows are shaking up their formats. Dan evaluates the new trend. (TiFaux)
• Jennifer vented her anger about the shocking Bones finale, and for those of you who missed it, check out her exclusive interview with One Tree Hill’s James Lafferty. (Tube Talk)
• Take a trip down memory lane with theTVaddict.com's tribute to TV shows that are no longer with us. Yes Moonlight & Men in Trees fans, we're talking to you. (the TV Addict)
• Raoul talked with perfect 10 Whitney from America's Next Top Model. (TV Filter)

Bored to Tears By the "Ugly Betty" Season Finale? You're Not Alone.

You know when the highlight of an episode is a super-saturated flashback to Betty getting selected as a "human shield" in a high school game of dodgeball that you're in for a snoozer of an episode.

Such was the case last night with the season finale of Ugly Betty ("Jump"), which didn't so much as advance the plots as it did end the series' sophomore season with some rather unbelievable "twists" and forced Betty to once again choose between former true love Henry--who, as we all know impregnated his ex-girlfriend and moved to Tucson--or new love interest/sandwich maker Gio, who apparently can afford to pay his rent on his apartment and his prime midtown location-based sandwich shop AND jet off to Rome for a month. (Apparently he keeps down his costs by being the sole employee.)

Personally, I wish she'd ditch both Gio and Henry and move in with Christina (Ashley Jensen), who sadly didn't even appear in the season finale. I understand the executive producers' desire to shift the focus back to Betty but rather than just downplaying Marc, Amanda, and Christina (all of whom I find infinitely more interesting and compelling than Betty's family), we get a subplot about Hilda finally making a move on Coach Diaz (Eddie Cibrian), only to find out he's still married... and then snogging him on the basketball court anyway. Yawn.

I find Gio's interest in Betty hard to believe. Not that Betty isn't cute and spunky, but because a guy like Gio would never, ever pay any attention to someone who looks like Betty. I'm sorry but it's true. Nor would he invite her to go to Rome for a month with him when they haven't so much even been out on a date. That's to say nothing about the fact that I find it hard to believe that self-absorbed Daniel would suddenly surprise Betty with a first-class deus ex machina--sorry--I mean first-class tickets and accommodations to Rome for her and Gio. It just completely took me off page there and was so over-scripted as to better even the playing fields between Gio and Henry's proposals. (Don't even get me started on Henry turning up to propose to Betty and then wanting to force her on a plane back to Tucson.)

Was le petit Daniel absolute adorable? Oui, but haven't we had enough drama in the last few weeks with unexpected Meade spawn, what with Wilhelmina's announcement about Bradford's baby? I actually liked that the writers were daring to make Daniel unsympathetic with his reaction to the discovery that he had a son, but they quickly reversed this by having Daniel bond with the boy over shared passions for baseball and supermodels.

Meanwhile, Alexis--who has nothing to do nowadays on the series--suddenly turned on Daniel for no reason and awarded former best friend-turned-nemesis Wilhelmina control of Mode while ousting Daniel altogether. Was this really all the writers could come up with for the once-fantastic Alexis Meade to do?

I understand that the overall creative word du jour for Betty is "heart," but does it mean that it has to be at the expense of "fun" as well? I miss this being a series that could balance soap opera dramatics, hysterical comedy, and touching pathos in the little moments that define our search for identity in the city. Instead, we're tiptoeing back into cloying territory here, but at least no one was shot this season finale during a song and dance number. (Ahem.)

All in all, a pretty unremarkable season finale before the series decamps Los Angeles for new digs in New York City. Will the move spark some creative uptick with Manhattan providing a nice new inspiration for a series that's in desperate need of reinvention? Who can say. But regardless, I hope that next season is better equipped to juggle the funny, the fierce, and the feelings: the real reasons we started to watch Ugly Betty in the first place, because this Betty definitely needs a (creative) makeover.

What's On Tonight

8 pm: Ghost Whisperer (CBS); American Gladiators (NBC); Friday Night SmackDown! (CW; 8-10 pm); Grey's Anatomy (ABC; 8-10 pm); Cheaper By the Dozen (FOX; 8-10 pm)

9 pm: Moonlight (CBS); Dateline (NBC; 9-11 pm)

10 pm: NUMB3RS (CBS); 20/20 (ABC)

What I'll Be Watching

8 pm: Eddie Izzard on BBC America.

Why not kick off your Memorial Day weekend in style with three back-to-back comedy specials starring The Riches' Eddie Izzard in all his cross-dressing glory?

The Nasty Bits When the Chefs Face Off in Restaurant Wars on "Top Chef"

You know you have a fantastic reality series on your hands when even an episode with a foregone conclusion still makes the action absolutely riveting.

Last night's episode of Top Chef ("Restaurant Wars") was no exception to the above. Given that it was painfully bloody obvious from the start which team would end up praised by the judges (including incomparable guest head judge Anthony Bourdain), I wondered if I'd find myself slightly deflated watching the gang over at Mi Buddha struggle their way through service, burdened with a series of foolhardy culinary choices and botched execution. Ouch.

Antonia won this week's Quickfire Challenge, which had the cheftestants working the egg station at a popular Chicago breakfast haunt. Antonia kept her cool and, above all, kept calm the entire time, turning out a series of dishes quickly and efficiently. While immunity is no longer on the table, as it were, A. does win a very valuable advantage going into the Elimination Challenge this week.

As soon as we found out that this week's task was the long-awaited Restaurant Wars battle and Antonia would be able to hand-pick her team, I just knew in my gut that she would choose Richard and Stephanie and was absolutely thrilled that this troika was reunited for this challenge, virtually assuring the elimination of either Spike, Lisa, or Dale. (Wahoo!) Antonia took control of the kitchen, making herself the executive chef, Richard the chef de cuisine, and Stephanie in charge of front of house; still, this being a team that thrives on cooperation and balance, each of them managed to prepare dishes and they remained a cohesive unit throughout the challenge. I was very happy with their decision to go with gastropub as their culinary inspiration: it allowed them to stay high-end but to make the space and the overall feel of their restaurant--named Warehouse Kitchen--casual, laid-back, and relaxed.

As for their food, they turned out a number of remarkably well-crafted dishes. Their first course was a hot and cold option: a beet salad with goat cheese and frisee with Marcona almonds and Ras El Hanout, simply plated and a clear indication why this dish is a perennial favorite, and homemade fresh linguine with clams, sausage, and a horseradish creme fraiche, which looked absolutely beautiful and absolutely won over the judges and the guests alike. The latter could have gone horribly wrong (the chefs have had problems with pasta in the past) but Stephanie managed to create flavorful, airy pasta that was rolled out and cut by last minute team addition Nikki.

Antonia crafted two fantastic entrees to boot: her "lamb squared," a duo preparation of lamb loin and braised lamb shank with thinly sliced apples and cabbage whose presentation shown like a beacon in the night (stunning), and a skin-on trout with cauliflower puree and roasted cauliflower, itself a play on duality. Two beautiful dishes that showed how promising of a chef Antonia really is (there's a reason she's won four Quickfire Challenges this season). Finally, dessert consisted of Richard's banana "scallops" with banana guacamole and chocolate ice cream (yum!) and Stephanie's Gorgonzola cheesecake with sweet potato puree and Concord grape sauce. I really did worry that the latter would be an unmitigated disaster; I'm not a fan of blue cheeses as a whole but upon seeing what Stephanie crafted here, I was definitely taken aback: here was a dish that was not only inventive and unexpected (unlike, say, Tre's blue cheese and watermelon combo) but actually made me curious to try something with Gorgonzola in it, no mean feat.

There was nothing Zen about the Mi Buddha team of Spike, Dale, and Lisa, who came up with the idea of opening an Asian fusion restaurant in order to draw upon their shared experiences with Asian cuisine. It was a decision that doomed their team from the start, even more than the fact that these three people--who clearly seem to loathe one another with a fiery passion--ended up by design on the same team. To pull off Asian properly is asking quite a lot, especially as they only had five hours to pull together a menu, prep their dishes, and design a restaurant space. It's a big ask, especially when we see how these three cannot function as a team, communicate without resorting to childish behavior, or support one another in the kitchen. Doomed from the start? They were going to lose this challenge before they even put a foot in the kitchen.

Onto the food itself. Their first course consisted of Lisa's horrific and over-smoked spicy coconut laksa with grilled prawns and vermicelli, a gloopy, slick mess of a dish that was overwhelmed by smoke flavor, and crispy potstickers with pork and plum, which sounded incredible but did look a little too greasy into fit into their high-end Asian eatery scheme. But at least they tasted better than Lisa's pathetic attempt at laksa. Ick. For the main course, there was a braised short rib with pickled red cabbage and an apple and Thai basil salad that the judges seemed to like quite a bit. This being the most contentious team on the history of Top Chef, I am still not sure who actually made the dish itself, but Spike seemed to take credit for the recipe, even if Lisa and Dale were the ones who executed the dish. Also on offer: Dale's misguided butterscotch-miso scallops with spicy eggplant and picked Chinese long beans. I was incredibly concerned by this dish: scallops have such a light, delicate flavor so I don't know why you would bury them under the sticky weight of such a saccharine sauce. Was it daring and different? Sure, but it was also incredibly misguided and I knew that the judges wouldn't let Dale just walk away for this culinary atrocity.

Desserts were just a monumental failure for this team. Dale once again created a halo-halo with cantaloupe, coconut, avocado, kiwi, and candied cashews but the judges weren't all that thrilled with the dish, which left a lot to be desired; I also thought that it wasn't plated very well and just looked messy and far too brown-green to be appetizing. Still, it was a triumph compared to Lisa's Thai mango sticky rice with toasted coconut which did look like baby food garnished with wood chips, a disgusting mess of a dish that should have gotten her eliminated.

Sure enough, Mi Buddha ended up on the chopping block and the judges (after awarding the win to Stephanie moments earlier) came down hard on Spike, Lisa, and Dale for a number of egregious errors. Somehow, due to his role in the front of the house, Spike seemed to be immune from elimination, which made me angry as I did not want him making it anywhere near the final four positions. Lisa once again proved that she has the most sour disposition of any Top Chef contestant past or present, standing as usual with her arms folded, a sneer on her contorted face, as she defies anyone in that room to criticize her in any way, shape, or form. And Dale resorted to defensive/aggressive mode, looking to deflect any of Lisa's accusations about rice selection or the smokiness in her own laksa.

So who would go home? I was actually really hoping that it would finally be Lisa for the two truly awful dishes she prepared this week; the sticky rice should have gotten her the boot alone. But I was really quite shocked that it was Dale who got the cut... and even more surprised when he accepted his elimination graciously and then promptly started to cry on-camera during his final interview, admitting his admiration for Richard, Antonia, and Stephanie. The boy does have a soft side, after all. I actually do think that Dale has an amazing amount of talent and potential and I am sad to see him go, though his attitude in recent weeks has grated. Still, it does seem as though a final showdown between Richard, Stephanie, and Antonia is in the cards and that makes me blissfully happy.

Next week on Top Chef ("High Steaks"), the chefs have to clean and butcher a slab of meat during a Quickfire Challenge and then work on the line in a restaurant, creating a series of dishes that exceed chef Tom Colicchio's expectations, and Rick Tramonto of Osteria Di Tramonto, Gale's Coffee Bar, Tramonto's Steak & Seafood, and RT Lounge turns up as a guest judge.

What's On Tonight

8 pm: The Big Bang Theory/How I Met Your Mother (CBS); Deal or No Deal (NBC; 8-9:30 pm); Smallville (CW); Ugly Betty (ABC); So You Think You Dance (FOX; 8-10 pm)

9 pm: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation (CBS); Last Comic Standing (NBC; 9:30-11 pm); Supernatural (CW); Grey's Anatomy (ABC; 9-11 pm)

10 pm: Without a Trace (CBS)

What I'll Be Watching

8 pm: Ugly Betty.

On tonight's season finale ("Jump"), Betty tries to determine what she should do when faced with a romantic dilemma (oh, just dump Henry already and be done with it) but Henry has a proposal of his own for Betty, just as she is coerced into a charity softball game; Naomi Campbell drops by the Mode offices; an orphaned boy from France turns up with a shocking claim; Hilda learns some jaw-dropping news about Coach Diaz (Eddie Cibrian).

Pilot Inspektor: HBO's "True Blood"

It's funny how your expectations can completely derail your perceptions of a series' strengths or weaknesses. As longtime readers of this site know, I have been beyond excited to watch the pilot for HBO's upcoming series True Blood since I first read the pilot script during the winter/spring of 2007. (Yes, it's really been that long since I first started blathering on about it.)

So imagine my shock and chagrin when I sat down to watch the pilot for True Blood--written and directed by Alan Ball (Six Feet Under) and based on the novel series by Charlaine Harris--last week and was royally disappointed. Consider me a vampire faced with the prospect of feasting on an anorexic: all of the pieces were there but it was just flat, empty, and remarkably tasteless.

Sure, Anna Paquin (X-Men) is absolutely cute as a button as telepathic waitress Sookie Stackhouse; she's a blonde, perky barmaid at Merlotte's, a backwoods bar in post-Katrina Louisiana, and a social pariah, rejected by most of the townspeople for the unnerving way she is able to hear people's innermost thoughts in a constant cacophony of sordid audio details. But her luck takes a turn for the better when a vampire--named Bill, no less, and played by NY-LON's Stephen Moyer--comes into the bar one evening.

Sookie's amazed that she can't hear Bill Compton's thoughts and then is called upon to rescue him from some predatory lowlifes who want to drain him for his narcotic-like blood and sell the plasma to the highest bidder. (In this world, vampires have "come out of the coffin" and walk among humans, thanks to a Japanese-created synthetic blood called Tru Blood that's sold at most liquor stores.)

It's a convincing setup for a series that aims to be a mature, pay cable version of, say, Buffy the Vampire Slayer-meets-Dark Shadows or similar, but the inclusion of graphic sex into the mix makes the entire thing play more like soft-core porn. A storyline involving Sookie's lothario brother Jason (Summerland's Ryan Kwanten) having sex with local bad girl Maudette Pickens (Dirt's Danielle Sapia)--a woman addicted to having sex with vampires and filming it--turns into a gruesome S&M-charged affair that doesn't jibe at all well with the innocence of Sookie or the off-kilter humor of the rest of the episode. Maudette is found strangled and a tape of her having rough sex with Jason is found at the scene and he becomes the chief suspect in her murder... even though we now know there are several vampires hanging around town, including Bill and a mysterious female vampire who comes to Sookie's aid after she tries to free Bill.

(Aside: It bothered me that Maudette and Sookie supposedly went to high school together; the woman playing Maudette looks like she has about twenty years on Paquin and that little revelation threw me for a loop and took me off page for a few minutes.)

What I loved about the script was the interplay between the characters and how well each of the supporting characters were developed: how Sookie's boss Sam (Sam Trammell) sublimates his obvious desire for Sookie even though he's shouting his love for her inside her head; how alternately attracted and repelled Jason is by the notion of vampire sex; or how Sookie's friend Tara (Passions' Brook Kerr, who was later replaced by Rutina Wesley) can't censor her thoughts at all, either inside her head or when they're spoken aloud. But intsead, in the filmed version of the pilot, I find that none of the supporting characters are particularly sympathetic. They're all loud, irritating, and shrill. It's like they're all shouting all the time inside Sookie's head. Only, like Sookie, we're doomed to hear them all the damn time. (Kerr is definitely hellishly annoying; her Tara won't shut up for a single second she's on-screen.)

Tonally, the pilot was all over the place: a sex-fueled drama, off-kilter comedy, and a serious exploration of class warfare in small-town Americana after the storm. Then you throw in telepathy, vampires, and murder--not to mention some seriously cheesy special effects (they make the vampire transformation in Buffy look like the work of CGI geniuses)--and what you're left with is a bit of a muddle.

It's a bit of a headscratcher whether this will be seriously reworked (or, hell, completely reshot) before True Blood launches... well, whenever it will inevitably launch after such a long delay. But given the recent regime change at HBO, I wonder whether Sue Naegle will step in to fix this bloody awful mess. Pun definitely intended.

Davies to Depart "Doctor Who," Beeb Names Moffat as Replacement

I woke up this morning to learn that Russell T. Davies would be leaving Doctor Who, the brilliant and imaginative series that he relaunched and watched over for the past four seasons.

Davies will stick around to oversee the four feature-length specials slated to air on the BBC next year but will then depart prior to the start of Season Five.

I'm really sad to be losing Davies as the man with his hand on the Who tiller. He's done a remarkable job at keeping things running smoothly, through not one but two major cast changes (as the incomparable David Tennant replaced original star Christopher Eccleston and Freema Agyeman replaced Billie Piper... and then was recently replaced herself with Catherine Tate).

But I am pleased as punch that it will be Doctor Who writer Steven Moffat (who also created comedy Coupling and BBC limited series Jekyll) who will be taking over as the lead writer and executive producer on Doctor Who.

If anyone should be the one to take over as Keeper of the Secrets for the Time Lord, it's Moffat. After all, over the past four seasons, he's single-handedly crafted some of the most memorable, creative, and awe-inspiring episodes of the series, including "Blink," "The Girl in the Fireplace," and "The Empty Child." (Yep, he wrote all of those superlative installments.)

"It's a huge honor to be following Russell [Davies] into the best--and the toughest--job in television," said Moffat. "I say toughest 'cos Russell's at my window right now, pointing and laughing."

Season Five, which will be Moffat's first as the new executive producer/head writer, will launch on BBC One in Spring of 2010. No US airdate has yet been announced.

Drive By: Judy Greer Lands Lead in HBO's "Suburban Shootout"

Holy Judy Greer, Batman!

The former Miss/Guided star has been cast in HBO's comedy pilot Suburban Shootout, the US adaptation of the darkly comic UK series about warring gangs of, um, homicidal suburban housewives in a seemingly idyllic and picturesque town.

In a fantastic twist of fate, Greer has been cast as the lead in Suburban Shootout, where she will play the wife of a police chief who moves from urban sprawl for quieter pastures, only to learn that the 'burbs are just as every bit dangerous as the city.

The script, from writer Michelle Ashford and executive producer/director Barry Sonnenfeld, was absolutely fantastic and pitch perfect (they did have amazing underlying material to work with, after all) and I am glad that rather than cast some faceless ingenue for the lead, they went with the quirky and adorable Greer, who will bring a distinct edge to the role.

Casting on the pilot for Suburban Shootout has become a hotbed for solid female actors, with Kelly Preston, Kerri Kenney, and Rachael Harris already booked.

I haven't been so happy about a Judy Greer casting since she first lit up the screen as disturbed glasses-on-hair-up executive assistant Kitty Sanchez on the still-much-missed Arrested Development. I'm extremely eager to see how HBO will translate the comedy format of Shootout to the US. Fingers crossed that it's more in line with The Office and less with Coupling...

Stay tuned.

What's On Tonight

8 pm: Price is Right Million Dollar Spectacular (CBS); Law & Order (NBC); Farmer Wants a Wife (CW); Lost (ABC; 8-10 pm); American Idol (FOX; 8-10 pm)

9 pm: Criminal Minds (CBS); Law & Order (NBC); Farmer Wants a Wife (CW)

10 pm: CSI: New York (CBS); Law & Order (NBC); Boston Legal (ABC)

What I'll Be Watching

8-10 pm: Lost.

Missed the last two episodes of Lost or just itching to watch them again? You're in luck as ABC does us a solid and reairs both "Cabin Fever" and "Something Nice Back Home." Now if only they were airing the fourth season finale this week instead of next week. I'm going insane from anticipation.

9 pm: MI-5 on BBC America.

If you missed MI-5 (aka Spooks) when it aired on A&E a few years back, you can catch it tonight on BBC America. On tonight's installment ("The Special"), the gripping fourth season opener, the team rushes from Danny's funeral after a terrorist detonates a bomb in a market and threatens to explode more if their demands are not met.

10 pm: Top Chef on Bravo.

On tonight's episode ("Restaurant Wars"), the chefs are forced to work on the line at a diner during the breakfast rush; Jose Andres stops by to put the chefs to the test; the contestants must open and run competing restaurants in one of the all-time favorite Top Chef elimination challenges.

Pilot Inspektor: FOX's "Fringe"

Every once in a while a pilot comes along that is so perfect, such a shining indication of what the final series will be, so perfectly cast and directed, that it's impossible to look away.

That pilot, ladies and gentlemen, is definitely FOX's phenomenal science-tinged drama Fringe.

In a nutshell, Fringe is The X-Files for the new millennium: eerie, gripping, and still haunting even after the final credits have rolled, albeit containing an overt (rather than subtle) humor that never existed in that series. In this case, the aliens aren't from outer space: they're the mega-corporations that dot the American landscape, pushing science and technology past their limits and exploiting that for their own gain. It poses several ethical questions: when does the pursuit of scientific discovery go too far? Who is monitoring the rapid advances in technology in today's day and age? And what happens when a scientist--or a group of scientists--decides that the world is their laboratory?

Longtime readers of this site know my longstanding love for the pilot script, from Transformers scribes Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman... who previously worked with executive producer J.J. Abrams on his seminal ABC series Alias and on the feature films Mission Impossible III and Star Trek. My original review of Fringe's pilot script from last October can be found here.

A quick recap: a German plane self lands at Boston's Logan Airport with no signs of life on board and the windows covered in what appears to be blood. An inter-agency team is quickly assembled to investigate the incident; a team which includes Agents Olivia Dunham (Anna Torv) and her secret lover/colleague John Scott (Boston Legal's Mark Valley) and is overseen by Philip Broyles (Lost's Lance Reddick). Broyles puts Olivia onto a possible lead involving a storage facility; they discover a makeshift lab, which their suspect detonates, unleashing a wave of chemicals onto Agent Scott... and then he escapes into the night. Looking for a way to save John's life, Olivia tracks down the only man capable of saving him: Dr. Walter Bishop (Lord of the Rings' John Noble), a genius scientific researcher who had been committed to a mental hospital years before. But the only way she can get to him is through his estranged son, Peter Bishop (Joshua Jackson), a genius misfit with no love lost for his father.

Still with me? During his years working on a classified project for the US government, Walter Bishop investigated the shady area of fringe science (ha, not just a clever name), studying things like teleportation, telepathy, reanimation: the inexplicable things hovering on the, well, fringes of pure science.

The produced pilot of Fringe, which I ran home to watch last evening, doesn't differ all that much from the written script. Under the master direction of Alex Graves (Journeyman), it's even more taut, suspenseful, humorous, and downright scary as the pilot script but now has the added benefit of a top-notch cast and stunning visuals. Hell, even the on-screen graphics that announce the varied locations of the pilot episode are creative and innovative, existing not so much as words on the screen but words embedded in the actual landscape, through which the camera moves like thick smoke. It's a genius visual and one that gives the action a distinctive and unique flair. And the special effects--particularly those involving Agent Scott's transformation into a transparent, crystalline structure--are absolutely breathtaking.

As Olivia Dunham, Australian newcomer Anna Torv is transcendent. Once again proving that no one picks a star in the making like J.J. Abrams, Torv is positively radiant on screen, effortlessly combining the steeliness of Jennifer Garner with the soulfulness of Cate Blanchett. Simply put: she's riveting, whether she's jumping off the roof of